Hi Warriors,
Today I wanted to talk about something that is weighing heavy on my mind that I think could be of some value to you.
We are talking all about the ABCs: adult bully complex.
I have experienced more than my fair share of these not-so-great humans. When someone notified me that an adult from my past was posting hurtful things about me this past week I knew it had to be this week’s blog topic.
Adult bullies. I saw a quote that felt very real to my experience. “Adult bullies don’t simply target insecure people - they create them”. I interpreted this in two ways. First, adult bullies make people insecure. However, they also create insecure people who then go on to be bullies just like them. A toxic tribe, a toxic cycle. I found that in my case, the more amazing I was, the more some adults just couldn’t handle it. This is especially sad when someone in their position is supposed to uplift and support the people they work with.
Every adult bully I’ve ever encountered was in a position of power: teachers, cheer coaches, local pageant directors, supervisors, volunteer coordinators for nonprofits, and the list goes on. I’ve had to process why this occurs and even still I am puzzled to be honest. If someone wants to make a difference or they are attracted to that position to do so, why are they so mean?
I attributed it to jealousy, but I never really know. I had an adult bully once say that I had done more in my 19 years (at the time) than they had done in their 40+ years and they hated me for that. Or they said “I hate that she’s so pretty”. Sometimes someone not liking you, in this case an adult, is truly none of your business. If an adult is insecure because a twenty something is more accomplished than them, sorry? That sucks and it’s kind of embarrassing for them. But when they take it out on you and it affects the way they treat you, it becomes a problem.
Because of everything I’ve been through in my life, I definitely classify myself as an HSP (if you haven’t read my blog post about highly sensitive people you should!). Every little mean thing makes me overthink. However, I have grown and developed my skills so that I have enough security in myself that these cruel words can’t penetrate my bubble. What someone else says to me or about me can’t affect how I see myself, that’s rule number 1.
I once had a therapist teach me about a beekeeper suit. A teflon suit that beekeepers wear so they can work with bees and they don’t get stung. If a bee stings the suit it doesn’t hurt the person inside. I created my beekeeper suit at an early age, but there were holes in it.
I used to be so consumed with how others viewed me. If someone called me fat (and it happened a lot) or snitch (we know the story of this one already) it would impact how I saw myself. I believed that I was fat, I felt guilty for being a snitch even though in reality I wasn’t one. I had zero self love and compassion. I was my own worst enemy. My mom used to say my self-esteem was in the negatives.
But once I realized that my self view doesn’t change and that is non-negotiable, I can take hits more and more and it will not change how I see myself. My beekeeper suit is intact. Double layer. Insulated. You get the gist. That remains the same. The things people say to me aren’t fact. An insult is just words that probably are not true. I simply don’t need to believe them.
Unfortunately, when someone comes for you as a human such as your character or story it can be a bit harder. But now I have the assurance and self confidence to not let that affect me. One adult bully told me she didn’t believe my story. My story is the core of who I am. Of course that rocked me, but she doesn’t know my story like I do. She didn’t live it like I did. So therefore she can not believe what happened to me all she wants, because now that is her problem not mine.
I am sick of adults being put in positions where they have the ability to hurt those they work with. I have often said that if someone was fragile and was told the same things I was by some adults, they may not be able to handle it. A big part of my platform is my Mirror steps. The first R stands for “reach out”, reaching out to safe adults for healing and guidance. But what if someone doesn’t have lots of external support? What if their adult bully is the only adult they have around? For someone like that, the bullying from said adult would be detrimental. I would know, I was that girl.
I am the safe adult now. In honor of my younger self and all of the kiddos out there like I once was, in spite of the adult bullies who told me/made me feel like I wasn’t enough. I will encounter adult bullies for the rest of my life, but they will have messed with the wrong girl. They can’t hurt me.
If you are experiencing an adult bully, I understand and validate what you are going through. The power dynamic is complex. It is up to you to stand your ground and demand respect (in a kind way of course). Teach these adult bullies. It is sad to say, but they need to be taught, and if it comes from someone younger than them so be it!
I would be doing a disservice to this blog post if I didn’t mention that for every one adult bully there are two safe adults. I have had a lot of adult bullies, yes, but I have also had so many amazing support systems and role models.
Keep doing you, finding your identity, and always wear your beekeeper suit! And don’t forget your safe “adult” (lol that feels weird) is right here waiting for you.
Xoxo,
Kaycee
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