Behind the Armor

Hi Warriors! Today’s blog is very vulnerable, but transparency is the name of the game here on the Warrior Blog. 

I, like so many people, struggle with anxiety. I’ve struggled since I was seven. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and depressive disorder in second grade. Little Kaycee was trying to make friends, do well in school and learn how to read an analog clock (lol) all while wrestling the monsters in her own mind. 

This blog post is not to divulge about my diagnoses and my entire mental health history, because frankly no one has time for that. This post is about how I may present as the most perfect, healed warrior who is over her struggles and is the hallmark of resilience but really struggles day-to-day just like everyone else. 

I had my anxiety and depression pretty under control late high school and most of college. It kicked up again my senior year of college when my provider convinced me to go off my medication (spoiler alert - clearly it did not bode well for me…do not do that). I had been on medication since age 7 and all of a sudden I was cured? Yeah not so much. My whole life fell apart. I was having panic attacks every single day. I couldn’t eat, drive, or go to class. It was debilitating. Anxiety and depression are co-morbid. Being anxious all the time made me depressed and isolated. Seeing myself slip into that made me anxious that it was getting bad again. It’s a vicious cycle. I had to relearn everything I was ever taught about anxiety and depression. It felt so unsafe in my own skin. 

Almost two years later, I am still working my way back to my baseline again, whatever that may be. I’ve had great days and really really bad days. I hit rock bottom this winter and have been working so dang hard to get better. Therapy and EMDR twice a week, new medication, new tools in my toolbox, and a strong desire to heal again. That’s what’s different this time. My journey isn’t linear and that’s okay. My therapist told me recently “you don’t need to push through all the time”. I think that’s so true for so many things, but especially mental health. It’s okay to ask for help. It doesn’t make you weak, it’s actually the opposite. 

I’m usually the one who others ask for help. I’m usually the strong one, the healed one, and the brave one. Sometimes that person needs help too. It changed the way I saw myself for so long because I felt like I failed. I’m usually the one talking others down. I didn’t know how to be the one who was being helped. It’s very unlike me to ask for help or accept help, especially when it comes to mental health. I couldn’t be more grateful for my village who helped me when I needed it. My parents, sister, close friends, therapist, doctors, and professors. Community is so essential when struggling, but I understand how isolated it can make you feel from everyone around you. 

This is my way of urging you to normalize conversations about mental health. It doesn’t mean you’re broken, it doesn’t mean you’re crazy or dangerous. It means you’re human. Mental health conditions are due to a chemical imbalance in the brain. My brain doesn’t produce enough serotonin on its own. Just like a diabetic doesn’t produce enough insulin on their own. So why is one normalized while the other is shamed? 

Having a mental health condition doesn’t make me “unfit” to be Miss Missouri or Miss America. In fact, it makes me a better fit because I am relatable. Many Americans live with a mental health condition and being vocal about that allows people to see someone truly real and representative of so many in our population. My mental health never gets in the way of my job as a titleholder; in fact it’s one of the areas in my life that makes it quiet down a bit. I will continue to be open about my struggles as Miss Missouri and I can’t wait for that day :) 

So yes, I struggle with mental health. More than I’d like to admit. I have panic attacks, I cry at the doctors office, I think I’m having a heart attack 3 nights a week, it’s hard to eat some days, some days I love to drive and others I can barely make it home, and some days are picture perfect.

I am a testament to living a beautiful life despite adversity. I am Miss North Kansas City, an MPH student at a top university in the nation, a daughter, sister, babysitter, employee, friend, and performer. My mental health doesn’t make me less worthy or worse at any of these things. Let this be your reminder that 1) sometimes your biggest role models or those you put on a pedestal also have their struggles, they just might not show it and 2) that you can do it too!