TW: mental illness, suicidal ideation
For as long as I can remember mental health was something always swept under the rug. In school, work, friend groups and even at home. It was not something that was talked about and rarely encouraged. From a young age I struggled with anxiety. I worried about what others thought of me, my insecurities, body image and constant overthinking. Which unfortunately made it even more difficult when I began to experience bullying. It was hard for me to understand why I was picked on and what I did wrong to deserve it. Despite the trials and tribulations I experienced, it was hard for me to keep my feelings about what I was struggling with, IN. I was often was viewed as “too sensitive” or “dramatic” which only led to more self stigma and feeling ashamed. I grew up in a home where I could express my emotions but also was still told I was “too sensitive” and “dramatic” instead of finding the root cause.
After graduating high school my anxiety only progressed which led me to depressive episodes. My anxiety became a vicious cycle that was exhausting. I took the first step to understanding what I was experiencing by seeking medical attention. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder. This brought a lot of clarity and explanation to what I had been struggling with for years but it also came with a lot of stigma. Stigma from friends, family, work and society. I was placed on a medication that I ended up stop taking that led to my mental health spiraling out of control.
I was depressed, lacked motivation, stayed inside my room in the dark with the curtains closed and let my grades slip through the cracks. The only person who truly knew I was struggling was my sister Jen. I would attend school, pageant practice, theatre rehearsal, family functions and more with a mask of “happiness” on. When in reality, I was struggling to stay afloat. My mental health continued to deteriorate and I eventually forgot what it was like to be okay. To be happy and actually mean it. My anxiety became a constant feeling daily and I reached my lowest point. I had gotten to the point where I thought my life was no longer worth living and I didn’t know where to turn. I reached out to my sister Jen and was taken to the emergency room. I was evaluated for suicidal ideation and transferred to a behavioral hospital for treatment.
My week of treatment quite literally saved my life. I was placed on a new medication (the one I am still on to this day), was taught new coping mechanisms, connected with fellow patients and staff, felt supported, had the chance to rest my mind and body and was on the road to recovery. However, there was an experience I had while in treatment that changed the trajectory of my recovery and ultimately led me to where I am today. I was on the phone with a friend while in treatment and told them about my recovery and what I had experienced. While opening up, my friend then told me to “not talk about” what I had experienced once I was done with treatment. To not tell others about my experience and keep it to myself. It was a disheartening conversation to say the least. I felt that same stigma I had felt at a young age but this time as an adult during a crucial period in my recovery. It was that moment that I knew something needed to change. That the stigma around mental health need to end and every person should feel celebrated and safe for sharing their story and struggles.
After my week long stay in treatment I was on the road to recovery. It wasn’t an easy road but it was one that was worth while. I dove deep into mental health advocacy and chose to share my story despite what my friend had told me. I chose to use my experience to empower, encourage and support others rather than let the stigma win. I knew my life was worth living and my story was worth being heard. I started a movement called “Let’s Talk About It: Normalizing the Discussion of Mental Health” that I eventually took with me to the Miss America Organization where it blossomed into something so beautiful.
Since then, I’ve been able to partner with state and national nonprofit mental health organizations, have initiated mental health legislation, currently sit on a legislative committee for mental health in my state, created a state wide school tour to promote mental health in schools and created a series where I help others share their own stories with mental health. To give others the space to safely share their story WITHOUT stigma.
Although I may be someone with 2 mental illnesses, it doesn’t define me or my ability to be successful. I chose to use those words of “don’t talk about it” and turn it into a movement where it IS talked about. Recovery isn’t linear and will never look exactly the same. But that’s also the beautiful part because every story is different and every story of healing is too. There will be plenty of downs but there are a LOT more ups. Life is such a beautiful thing that is full of opportunity and joy. A beautiful life that is waiting to be fulfilled and experienced.
So friend, if you are reading this, I’m here to tell you that you MATTER. Your feelings are valid, your story matters and you are not alone. It’s OKAY to not be okay sometimes and it’s OKAY to talk about what you’re experiencing. It doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human. You have so much to offer this world.
A friend once told me that “your place on this earth is non-negotiable.” And that truth will always ring true. You have a place in the world that cannot be replaced. You will always be loved and you will always be enough. So keep going friend, because the world is a lot more beautiful with you in it.
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