In your elementary school “anti-bullying” program (if you even had one at the time), you probably heard the term “bystanding” quite frequently but never truly understood what it meant.
Or maybe you’ve never heard the term before at all. That’s okay! I’m going to give you a little crash course-quick education-learning session in this blog post today!
Definition of bystanding (there are several out there, but I am compiling a few to make the most sense and include the best parts) : a witness who sees or knows about bullying happening to someone else, whether that be in person or online.
Normally, people say that bystanders are observers who do not do anything, or rather do not take action when they see bullying. However, this may not always be the case.
Bystanders can take on several roles:
Assistant - joining in on the bully’s side (i.e think of the American Girl Movie Chrissa Stands Strong if you’ve seen it)
Reinforcers - encouraging the bully (this person is still a bystander because they are observing, but they are not technically the bully in this case)
Passive bystanders - the one everyone thinks of when they hear bystander (someone who simply watches what is happening)
Defenders - that’s right, being a bystander can transform into the perfect position everyone should be in if they observe someone being bullied…an UPSTANDER! This is where we should all aim to be.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret…not one of the above roles is worse than the other. If you aren’t taking action against the bullying, you are contributing to it. Knowing it is occurring and not doing anything is one of the worst spots to be in because you become an enabler. That sends a message to the bullies, the victim, teachers and administrators, parents, and many others that what is happening is acceptable, when it is not.
If you call someone out...or call them in (respectfully, and in private) about how they are treating another person and they become aggressive or defensive, chances are they know they are wrong but can't admit it to themselves. Keep them in your heart, because "those who are at war with others are not at peace with themselves." - William Hazlitt.
A common reason bystanders do not get involved is because they feel it isn’t their business and they don’t want to put themselves in the line of fire. I get it. That is why I take a “comforting the victim” approach. It can be scary to speak up, take an aggressive approach and tell the bully to “knock it off”. Making sure the victim feels seen and has someone in their corner is going to do far more in the long run!
A little personal anecdote here, when I was being bullied relentlessly in the hallways of my school, in class, and online, lots of people sat and watched. Specifically on social media, people would like the cruel posts made about me, retweet the tweets harassing me, and so on. To me, these people were just as bad as the bullies themselves because they saw what was happening to me and made a conscious decision to do something that would hurt me…letting it continue.
Be. An. Upstander.
Please know that you checking in on a victim (or intervening in a situation if that is your cup of tea) can save that person’s life. I promise, when they say they are “fine” and that they are used to the bullying, they are lying to you and themselves. I would know…I’ve been that person most of my life. Do it so they can see another day. Do it because it could be you. Do it because it is the right thing. Good karma, baby!
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