Hello Warriors and happy Warrior Blog Wednesday!
After careful thought and lots of deliberation, I am so excited to be adding a new element to my Kaycee’s Warriors program. The current pillars of my organization include bullying, suicide, and mental health. As of today, the newest pillar is body image.
Why did I decide to expand my topics to include body image? After spending extensive time in schools and enmeshed in my programming, I recognized that body image is a topic that is more relevant than ever. As transparency is the name of the game here on the Warrior Blog, I have struggled with body image for as long as I can remember and I have seen firsthand how it has infiltrated its way into the impressionable minds of our youth.
This realm is very new to me. I started promoting how to overcome bullying because I did just that. Yes, there were moments at the beginning where I was still experiencing bullying and its full effects, but I was mostly on the transition to healing and acceptance. I have the tips, tricks, and success stories to share because I have spent years in your shoes. Body image is a bit different for me. I am still actively grappling with difficult feelings and I do not have all of the tips and tricks that I do with bullying. I don’t have the answers for you and I can’t tell you how to fix it because I’m right here learning alongside you.
Jade Glab, Miss New Jersey 2019, challenged me to go public about my active struggle and bring my audience along with me. When she first brought this up, I had immediately made a decision, and it was no. She can attest, I was very skeptical. The thought of that absolutely terrified me and made me very uncomfortable. I don’t want people to know about these demons. I don’t want to accept that I don’t love, like, or even tolerate my body. How can I be a powerhouse boss woman in the pageant world yet not be confident in my body? How am I supposed to talk about such a sensitive topic when I am not healed? How can I help others when I can’t even help myself? The answer is vulnerability. That, in and of itself, helps so many people. It humanizes me and makes me more relatable. I will show myself in that light any day! After pondering what this would look like, I realized the best growth lies outside my comfort zone, and I am contributing to something that is bigger than just me. Thank you, Jade, for planting this seed and believing in me. I can already tell how monumental this movement will be for so many, including myself.
Being a nontraditional pageant girl has affected the way I perceive my body and my place in these settings–a lot of questioning and self-criticism, but also a sense of ownership and pride. Ever since I stepped foot into this arena, I have been bombarded with messages to shrink myself and get as small as I can. Every time I enter a room, anxiety floods my system and I start to look around in hopes I am not the biggest one in the room. I wish in my head that people aren’t discounting the amazing work that I do or my beauty because all they see is my weight. Hyperfixating on how my body looks and how other people perceive it is hard, and frankly exhausting.
I’ve put off talking about my body publicly because I felt that if I admitted I didn’t like my body, it gave others an opportunity to talk about it as well. If I am outwardly confident-appearing and silent about my body, it must mean I like it right? It won't cross anyone else’s mind if I stay quiet…I’ll be seen as thin like everyone else…right? Wrong. I feel as though if I even gave in to the fact that I felt “fat”, it would make it true and others would begin to see me that way. I never want to be the fat girl who thinks she can do pageants but everyone laughs. I don’t want people to look at me and say “she’ll never win looking like that, maybe if she lost 50 lbs”, or “she’s pretty for a big girl”. I have been so scared to display this side of me. Do you want to know the real reason that is not any of those listed above? I am embarrassed. I wish I loved my body. I wish I felt confident at any size. Pageant queens are fiercely confident, so am I a fraud if I admit I don’t like my body? No, I’m real.
Having this platform allows me to shine a light on pageantry and society; how they coincide and affect one another. Pageantry gave me everything at a time when I needed it. Through this work I have healed in more ways than one. This platform also allows me to show that pageant women are real too. Most of us struggle with lots of things, including body image, and yet we just don’t talk about it. Stop looking up at us and wishing you were in our shoes, we are not the blueprint and we are far from perfect.
I hope opening this dialogue helps you to see that even when I look like I have it together, I am fighting battles you know nothing about. I also hope this helps you recognize that if even someone like me struggles, chances are I am not the only one and neither are you. Let’s start talking about these nuanced and taboo topics because it is so necessary. If this is your area, let me know and we can get you on the blog for a guest blog post! I have a special guest lined up to appear here very soon :)
The one message I have gathered through the ups and downs of this tumultuous journey is that I can’t hate myself into losing weight or accepting my body…and neither can you. This isn’t the last time I’ll be talking about body image, this is just the beginning.
Xoxo,
Kaycee
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