Happy Warrior Blog Wednesday!
Today is a really hard post for me but I’m sharing this in order to make you feel less alone. I really wish I had someone to tell me I wasn’t alone in these very unique and odd struggles, but unfortunately I had to learn it on my own.
For the past year, I’ve experienced a huge surge in my anxiety disorder symptoms. They changed a lot from when I was diagnosed at a ripe 7 years old. However, this post isn’t about my anxiety disorder (but the next one will be, I promise). Today is about how alone I’ve felt (and still feel) living with anxious tics. Tics. Tic disorder. Mild Tourette’s. Whatever you want to call it.
I feel the eyes upon me as I sniff my nose hard three times in a row. I pass it off as allergies, which I do have badly, but this isn’t from allergies. I wait until someone I’m talking to looks away so I can hard blink without them noticing even though I know they do. I blame my rapid blinking on dry or itchy eyes. But the truth is, I can’t control it. I’ve tried.
The feeling of my body doing something quite different from the norm and potentially distracting is embarrassing. My therapists and doctors have said to not focus on it and it will go away, because when you try to suppress it, it gets worse. I’ve tried, yet all I think about is “I wonder what people are thinking about me when they see or hear my tics”.
The doctors said it’s called a “discharge” because it’s the body's way of releasing anxious energy from the body. On a physiological level it makes sense. But I can’t help feeling like I’m not normal because they don’t really go away. Maybe I’m just anxious all the time?
When I had tics growing up I was called “blinky” and other hurtful names. But I don’t blame those people, even those who are extremely close to me, because they don’t know any different. My hope today is to bring awareness to anxious tics and how they are truly involuntary and not something to make fun of someone for. Chances are they are already extremely insecure about it and don’t need your comments.
I felt a little less alone when I encountered a classmate of mine who also had an eye blinking tic. Similar to mine but different. The part that was interesting to me is that she was stunningly beautiful. Just gorgeous, boss lady type of energy. Edgy and bold. The type of person that people are intimidated by. It made me realize that just because I have tics doesn’t mean I’m ugly, weird, or unlovable. If someone as beautiful as her can have tics and still show up the way she does, so can I. If she has them, so can I.
The one place my tics disappear is during competition on a pageant stage. When I’m singing during the talent portion they magically disappear because that’s when I feel the safest. Kind of ironic—when I’m on stage by myself in front of a crowd doing something incredibly vulnerable—that is when I feel the safest and most confident. When I’m in my interview talking about some of the hardest moments in my life, the tics are a distant memory. Yet when I’m at coffee with a friend or in class it’s undeniable.
The people who know me know I am so much more than my tics. I don’t have to explain it to them. I’m so sick of being preoccupied with how others might see me, because 9/10 times it’s wrong. I can’t read anyone’s mind. And I don’t want to.
Xoxo,
Kaycee
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